7 hours ride on the emotional roller coaster.

Self motivation comes and goes. That’s what I can personally agree myself with most of the time. It’s pretty easy for me to want to do something, as long as I have it all planned out in advanced. I need a checklist, a clear plan, with detailed time, dates and bullet points with arrows pointing out here and there elaborating what’s happening on each point.

At times, I get motivated to do something if it’s by any chance something that I have to do as well. For example – School. That’s a combination of both “Yeah I want to learn this topic” and “Well yeah, plus the attendance is compulsory for this lecture.”

However, it’s quite rare for me to feel motivated and have a full-on 100% effort from myself and ONLY myself, with no other reasons behind what I’m going to do that would make me think  “I have to do this,” but rather because I, myself want to. I, myself know that I will enjoy it, I, myself know that I will be proud. and that happened just last night.

I decided to sit down and have a quick look at my notes that I scribbled in a messy handwriting during my Psychology lectures a few days ago.

I took my laptop out, went on the powerpoint slides, combined those messy 11 pages notes and the slides together and started to think –

“ Bah. Let’s do this. It’s 7:33PM now. Let’s go back through all these 3 modules, rewrite back the notes, reflect my knowledge, think before writing down to prevent untidy mistakes. reread, reflect, rewrite. By 9:00 PM you can go and sleep.”

And so I did exactly what I told myself. I followed my motivation, only difference might be the fact that I ended doing all that until 12AM.

To be honest with you, it was that kind of self motivation that kept me going for another 3 hours after the time I originally planned to stopped before. I felt happy, proud and my brain just felt active with the amount of information I consumed with pure understanding and high level of satisfaction all in one night.

Other reason that may fall behind my motivation last night was probably because I actually love the topics that I’m learning in my Psychology course. SUPER interesting.

I went to bed, feeling laid back and closed my eyes. Perfect. Everything was just absolutely perfect. I felt settled.

A few hours later, I woke up feeling different. 2AM and I was awakened by a dry thick feeling in my throat. Something felt different. I went back to sleep only to find myself waking up again a few hours later with my throat feeling numb.

“Oh, No………..no no no no”

I was ill. completely ill. I knew soon enough I would fall ill once I arrive in UK, I just didn’t know it would be that day.

I felt dizzy, my head felt as though it was stored with bricks, my skin felt cold, but my body felt hot. I was sweating, but also shivering.

I didn’t feel right and the first person I thought about was my mother. I needed her. Not because I’m spoiled and depend on my mother to handle myself when i’m in that kind of condition. No. I needed her because her presence matters to me.

From feeling happy and proud just a few hours before to feeling sick and lonely in a short amount of time was just upsetting.

I wanted to feel at home, I wanted to at least be surrounded with familiar faces and environment, even though I was falling ill and was just unbelievably disgusting sniffing my runny nose that was also having inconsistent blockage every now and then that morning.

I felt disturbed due to the fact that I knew I had to run important errands that day. Well actually, just one – getting myself a letter from uni. I needed to tick that off my list that day.

Other than that, I had my day planned out with my friends to go to the library and share our notes and go through any discussions needed to have a clear understanding on each module (Trust me, we’re not nerds. Hahahahaha, we’re just very into our course.)

Tears. Tears. More tears. and in result – more nose blockage. I felt low, demotivated and weak all at the same time.

I recovered (in terms of emotions) a bit shortly after I got a FaceTime call for comfort from a very loving boy of mine that started off with me sniffing and tearing up to then smiling and giggling, and for that and many other reasons, he’s wonderful ❤

Point is, There was just too many emotions that I had consume at once with just myself to handle it all for 7 hours straight.

I got through it, even if it meant I had to cry.

Home sick and freshers flu are both something that’s expected for people who are away to feel, so I’m not typing this all out to make it seem as though I think I’m the only one who feels this way and that I’m dramatic. Ofcourse not. i’m glad I got myself to get up and be able to laugh away that morning.

As for those who are currently struggling with the whole home sick situation or having the freshers flu –  don’t hesitate to cry it out but also stay strong. There’s nothing wrong to miss your family, I’m sure they’re all missing you too, more than you can imagine.

You are all loved, always

x,
Syidah

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